did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
