I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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