I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
