She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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