I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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