I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
