Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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