hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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