bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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