This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
