Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
