um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
