as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
