The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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