No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
