So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
