Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
