every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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