he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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