How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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