I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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