So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
