Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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