don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
