And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think your dad took our porno
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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