I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
