On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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