Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
