I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
