I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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