It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
