Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
