I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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