Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This is classic penis vs brain.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
