her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
