I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
