i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
