Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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