Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
