i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
