It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
