Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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