Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
