i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
