He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
