Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
