my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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