please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
