Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
