Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You are a genius and a whore.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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