I heard we made out
So drunk its hurt
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
