i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
