my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
